“What I lack then is confidence that my thinking and writing is not nonsense and that the persistent dedication through the years is not the symptom of some mental aberration.”
– Eric Hoffer, quoted in Eric Hoffer: the Longshoreman Philosopher by Tom Bethell
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“If I knew my own mind, I would not make essays. I would make decisions.”
– Michel de Montaigne, quoted in Good Prose by Tracy Kidder and Richard Todd
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Writing can be a form of hiding out amongst words. If I plant them in the right way, there is a chance they grow to cover my insecurities.
By writing ideas down they do not do anything of themselves. Action still needs to be taken in the real world for them to take effect.
But what these thoughts do is clear a path. They allow me to practice who I am in safety. Because I struggle to describe myself. If told to give an elevevator pitch on who I am and what I stand for, I’m liable to mumble and shutter.
I don’t think I stand for anything. I’ve always struggled to create a tether to reality. If it was clear perhaps I wouldn’t be compelled to write. I would be a man of action. Maybe people would write about me. That’s never going to happen. I’d rather be the observer than the observed.
There it is! I’ve written a little and discovered some of who I am.
An observer.
An observer who fucking loves books. And as reading is a form of observation, I can double down on this identity.
I sit with Eric and Michel here. Unsure if what I write means anything, or serves anyone. Asking questions of myself without acting out the answers.
But I can be a man of action.
I know a brave act I’ve performed on more than one occasion.
I’ve hurled myself across the room, despite the fear and danger, to press that awesome button… publish!
Conversations With Quotations 