“Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here’s your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you’re a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option. We’re all afraid to talk about shame. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.”
– Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
__________
You’re gonna walk on home
You’re gonna walk alone
You’re gonna walk so far
You’re gonna wonder who you are
Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Shame
Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Shame
Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Shame
Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Shame
Shame
Shame
Love is good and love is kind
Love is good and love is blind
Love is good and love is mine
Love is good all the time
Hello, goodbye
You know you made us cry…”
– Smashing Pumpkins, Shame
__________
I thought I’d sent a reply: It remains in my drafts. I feel too ashamed to admit to my mistake, although the alternative is garden variety rudeness.
I sent an email to one of my heroes, not the first. There was a brief correspondence a few years ago. It ended, as all my correspondence does, due to my inattention.
It will be a couple of months now, since his gracious reply to me, inviting me to say hello after an event he was running.
I had to respond, regretfully, that I couldn’t make it. Although I could have made it. I wasn’t prepared to make a big enough effort (here comes shame again).
I need to send a quick email. Apologise. Be gracious. No one wants to hear my soul bared and shared. Do the right thing.
It’s just that admitting to a mistake creates acute shame. It’s painful. Leaving the mistake be is merely a part of a low level of chronic shame. I carry that daily: I’m ashamed of not keeping in touch with anyone.
Shame comes up as a topic of conversation with myself when I want to be especially cruel.
Often the topics and triggers for shame are the same.
Is it a legitimate reflection on my shortcomings? Or is something that I subject myself to unfairly by contrasting my actions with an idealised version of myself?
What I do know, from extensive practice is this: shame is not an action emotion. It keeps me rooted in place. Shame is felt as a full stop. It’s not so easy to start a new sentence, when I have sentenced myself to shame.
So, what’s the conclusion to this peek into my shame?
I think it’s obvious. Better to admit to being imperfect, apologise and move on, rather than hold it in so I slowly become intoxicated with shame.
Is that so hard? Well, for me, yes.
At least now, it’s is not a secret shame. It has been spoken in public.
But the work I need to do to move beyond this soul eating emotion commences in private.
It’s a shame I didn’t start earlier…
Conversations With Quotations 