“What I lack then is confidence that my thinking and writing is not nonsense and that the persistent dedication through the years is not the symptom of some mental aberration.”

– Eric Hoffer, quoted in Eric Hoffer: the Longshoreman Philosopher by Tom Bethell

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“If I knew my own mind, I would not make essays. I would make decisions.”

– Michel de Montaigne, quoted in Good Prose by Tracy Kidder and Richard Todd

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Writing can be a form of hiding out amongst words. If I plant them in the right way, there is a chance they grow to cover my insecurities.

By writing ideas down they do not do anything of themselves. Action still needs to be taken in the real world for them to take effect.

But what these thoughts do is clear a path. They allow me to practice who I am in safety. Because I struggle to describe myself. If told to give an elevevator pitch on who I am and what I stand for, I’m liable to mumble and shutter.

I don’t think I stand for anything. I’ve always struggled to create a tether to reality. If it was clear perhaps I wouldn’t be compelled to write. I would be a man of action. Maybe people would write about me. That’s never going to happen. I’d rather be the observer than the observed.

There it is! I’ve written a little and discovered some of who I am.

An observer.

An observer who fucking loves books. And as reading is a form of observation, I can double down on this identity.

I sit with Eric and Michel here. Unsure if what I write means anything, or serves anyone. Asking questions of myself without acting out the answers.

But I can be a man of action.

I know a brave act I’ve performed on more than one occasion.

I’ve hurled myself across the room, despite the fear and danger, to press that awesome button… publish!

“The wisdom of others remains dull till it is writ over with our own blood. We are essentially apart from the world; it bursts into our consciousness only when it sinks its teeth and nails into us.”

Eric Hoffer , The Passionate State of Mind

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“One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable combination.”

– Jules Henri Poincaré, as quoted in The Courage to Create by Rollo May

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I am a willing victim of great ideas.

I submit: roll over; show my belly.

Why resist the inevitable?

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise.”

– Don DeLillo, White Noise

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“Healthy is lack of disease. I always think that “dis-ease” would be a better way to write the word because it is literally the lack of ease in moving blood, waste materials, food, and yourself around that is the problem…

…I use Darwin’s definition of fitness: the ability to do a task.

That’s it.”

– Dan John, The Basics Will Never Fail You

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There’s a lot of talk about mental health but what about mental fitness?

If mental health is the optimal interplay of the neurons, better said perhaps as a sense of optimism and wellbeing, then what is mental fitness?

The ability to do a task.

Some of us may suffer from poor mental health, yet excellent mental fitness.

We are good at getting tasks done by the method of compartmentalisation.

I can complete the basics of getting up, getting to work on time, performing a job and interacting with others. They are achieved using mental fitness.

How I talk to myself just after my alarm goes off, my internal dialogue and reactions throughout the day, the little self talk before going to sleep, that is mental health.

You can fake mental fitness, practice doing a task, but mental health is not so easily boosted by bravado.

Mental fitness is just focusing on performing a series of actions that yield results.

I can put on a mask. But what if it slips?

Mental fitness requires diligence and action. I’ve got that squared away.

Where do I start with the universe inside my head?

“I used to think that autobiography was a form of weakness, and perhaps I still do. But I also think that, if you’re weak, it’s childish to pretend to be strong.”

– Hilary Mantel, Giving up the Ghost

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“I do not want a man to use his strength to get my attention.”

– Michel de Montaigne, quoted in Good Prose by Tracy Kidder and Richard Todd

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So what is honesty? Sharing every thought that comes into your head? Revealing every nook and cranny of oneself? Raking the cuttings of our past selves?

Perhaps not so extreme. Honesty could be as simple as not speaking an untruth when asked a direct question.

Because, as writers, no one is asking us direct questions except ourselves, we are let off the hook in terms of what we reveal. After all, we are both interviewer and interviewee.

So what type of questions do these daily posts reveal? Who do I want to be on this page? An honest bore, or a restrained liar?

Perhaps the character I am happy to be here is a curious optimist. Curious for the thoughts of others, optimistic that one day all of these collected phrases will add up to an answer to the meaning of it all. Somehow collectively show me who I am.

Is it weak to ask questions? Those who seem to have all the answers but no curiosity about others are surely masking their own weaknesses.

My weakness is not having definitive answers for anything. I am inexpert at everything.

But I’m willing to learn. And to share what I find out.

“I am a writer who came from a sheltered life. A sheltered life can be a daring life as well. For all serious daring starts from within.”

– Eudora Welty, quoted in Traveleing Feast by Rick Bass

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“There are endless obstacles and impediments to finding the truth. You might never find it; it’s an elusive goal. But here’s something to remember. The world is out there- like an undiscovered continent. And it’s our job to go out and discover it.”

– Errol Morris, The Ashtray

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Adventure and discovery can take many forms.

Of course there is the swashbuckling cliche of the Victorian explorer, ready to be swallowed by an unexplored jungle or desert.

There are our modern, nuanced, adventurers who report from a rapidly changing and homogenised world.

I am an explorer in the Eudora Welty mold. I prefer to venture forth from the safety of my armchair. I explore books and counjor ideas without leaving the house.

I am an intellectual. Not because I believe I am particularly smart – my intellect is certainly not impressive. More because I am happiest amongst ideas. I range widely using my eyes, following the contours of my favoured maps – books!

I choose not to be idle. Although you could certainly mistake my current position as idle: sitting in an armchair, staring at my phone.

But my staring is productive. I am writing, discovering what I think, just as much as if I were stepping through novel places on terra firma.

I am not satisfied with a mind that is switched off.

I want to discover the world.

Fortunately, I can summon the world to my front door, choosing who I’d like to invite in.

A life of daring? Maybe.

But certainly a life of my choice.

“Making mistakes is part of being human. So why is everyone so resistant to it?

Chuildren learn by trying and failing. Then trying again. And then failing even harder. But children also live in a dream world of play, where mistakes have no consequences, nor are they burdened by the terror of self-consciousness.

So why shouldn’t adults do the same? Why shouldn’t we learn to play?

If you don’t feel like an idiot at least once a day, you need to work less and play more. Dumb errors force us to learn, progress and innovate.

Feel humiliated?

Get used to it.

If you’re not making mistakes. If you’re not regularly feeling stupid. If you don’t believe your ideas are inadequate. If no one is arching an eyebrow while slowly, condescendingly asking why on earth you’re doing this. If your ideas aren’t routinely mocked when shared with those who follow the rules.

You’re probably doing it wrong.”

– Erik Kessels, Failed It!

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“You will become clever through your mistakes.”

– German proverb, quoted in The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle

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I have always been scared of mistakes.

It’s easy to avoid them if you don’t try.

Not trying is remarkably easy. You don’t attempt anything challenging.

You can actually come across as quite sophisticated and intelligent if you’re never seen to fail. It’s safe. You can hide behind mediocrity.

So what is stopping me?

Fear.

How do you get past fear?

Not by avoiding it. Turn your back and try to walk away, it follows in lockstep behind.

Fear is only real if you can’t look it straight in the eye.

What if you turn around? Step forward toward that fear?

See that the fear cannot touch us when we are in action, only when we are immobile.

If you can get past the fear then you enter the world of mistakes. And mistakes have wonderful offspring called learning.

Can I allow myself to make mistakes? I hope I do here. But because I have fear of being seen, I have not invited anyone to come watch my stumbles.

Perhaps my writing is timid because of its lack of audience. Maybe I need to send out some invites.

What’s the worst that can happen?

Someone may laugh at my pratfalls.

But isn’t laughter the best medicine?

“You already know enough. So do I. It is not knowledge we lack. What is missing is the courage to understand what we know and to draw conclusions.”

– Sven Lindqvist, Exterminate All Brutes

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“Most of the people I meet have enough knowledge to fill nine lives. There has never been a book written that can tell you more than what you yourself have experienced.”

– Erling Kagge, Silence

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I know that I am guilty of indefinite research.

I read compulsively.

I probably use the stories of others to avoid the work of creating my own.

The quotes prompt my own reflections. Do I hide behind them?

Books can never tell me more about myself.

They can offer examples, models, tools to help my own self discovery.

But the real work begins when the book is put down, device switched off and hard truths are faced and tackled.

I’d love to have solid convictions and certainties about the world and my role in it.

But I struggle to a unified self.

Perhaps the books aren’t mere distractions but a necessary catalyst to help stegthen my sense of who I am.

“There is no right food and no wrong food; the food must only meet the appetite, the appetite find its kind of food.”

– James Hillman, The Soul’s Code

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“Knowing how one is wired is a necessary first step on any life journey. It doesn’t matter what you do with your life, as long as you are doing what is consistent with your nature and your aspirations.”

– Ray Dalio, Priciples

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How changeable are my moods?

Do I allow my sense of self to be swayed by others?

Do I feed myself with junk food information?

The path of least resistance?

Or do I forage for my own sustenance?

Pick out what has nutrition

Chew over the ideas.

Allow myself proper digestion?

Or do I rush from here to there consuming quickly heated morsels?

Do I grow fat around the middle of my mind?

Or do I maintain my fighting weight?

Books vs social media and everything else that is reactive.

A good idea lasts. It can be read today, tomorrow or next century it will endure.

What’s the rush to find the latest thing?

Surely what has been nutritious in the mind in the past will endure?

And I get to choose what is right for me.

It’s important to avoid the trap of demanding conformity from others.

We are all individuals.

I struggle to give advice.

Perhaps the most important is to figure out what works for you. A lifetime’s task for certain.

I know what I will be ordering. The same as ever. A book, with a generous side of writing.

“I have to remind myself that I have not the temperament of a scholar. I am not going to pile up carefully documented facts. If I can’t swing out with theories, hunches, and guesses I am lost.”

– Eric Hoffer, Working and Thinking on the Waterfront

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“Long before there was planning, there was improvising.”

– Patricia Ryan Madson, Improv Wisdom

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I could never be accused of meticulousness.

I am not one for spreadsheets or forecasting.

I do not have the patience for the collection of data.

I simply cannot plan my reading nor my writing.

It just happens. I follow my nose. I stay curious. I trust that there are an infinite number of interesting sentences to read.

I write on here whatever comes to mind.

I am inspired by the quotes and offer my response.

I am not poring over these words and worrying about perfection.

I write on the fly.

There are advantages of this no method as method.

Writing is never stressful. There is no obligation embedded in the practice.

Outside of the commitment to publish here every day, I am free to write as much or as little as I fancy.

I am not sure if these fragments add up to a whole, but it’s how I like to do things.

I leave my mind empty of rules.

I trust the work will get done by writing on the wing.

“Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death,”

– Arthur Schopenhauer, quoted in Every Time I Find the Meaning of Life, They Change It by Daniel Klein

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“I’d escaped from prison almost two years before, but the fact of the fugitive life is that you have to keep on escaping, every day and every night.”

– Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram

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What does a day in the life look like?

A renewal, followed by discovery?

Or a dread replayed, never making a getaway?

I like the idea of a daily life.

Every twenty four hours the opportunity to begin again.

We get to choose what we carry from day to day and what is best to leave behind.

But some things that we would rather jettison cling to us.

Fears.

Compulsions.

Shames.

If only it were that simple to hit reset.

It takes practice to bring your best self forward into a new day.

And it is clear running never gets you very far. Give it a few hours and you have to stop running, lie down to rest and awake again in a state of pursuit.

What will it take to wake in a state of wonder and curiosity?

What do I have to do today to give myself the gift of a better tomorrow?