“Sometimes you have to act out your dreams, because circumstances can get you crammed down. And instead of getting angry and jealous of what they got, why not get artistic about it and create a little work site, a little fiefdom. As long as it don’t oppress anybody or something, I think it’s kind of healthy.”

– Mike Watt, quoted in Our Band Could Be Your Life by Michael Azerrad

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“Remembering this life’s journey beyond our present daily commute is one of life’s great disciplines, but keeping it as a constant, inspiring companion is beyond most of our powers. Sooner or later we forget, we lose sight, we come to a place in our lives where the vision splendid begins to fade into the light of common day.”

– David Whyte, Crossing the Unknown Sea

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We are often the lowest lying point in our personal geography. Life, demands, busyness, stress and responsibilities trickle, flow, then pour down to us.

It takes a mighty effort to rise to higher ground. From there we can survey and see the flow and rush of life.

Up here I can create a refuge. A place to create and reconnect with myself.

I cannot live and stay up here indefinitely. I must descend into the turmoil and broil to earn a living and gather inspiration.

Each ascent is taxing and takes conscious effort. There is no elevator to the top. Only those of us who are committed reach our personal fiefdom.

I use my elevated position to observe the world through books. I have space to let my thoughts converse with interesting works.

I must be vigilant against the erosion of my fortifications. If left unchecked, a crack can render which can let in a little of the real world. This can easily open up under this great pressure sweeping away this fortress of solitude.

I must patch the gaps with focused work.

Then it is time to look up at the sky and dream. And the dream realised is meaningful creative work.

The more I do this work, the more secure this refuge becomes.

All it takes is a little vigilance and the will to create.

“Though I was grateful for a state-sponsored schooling that had lasted much longer than that of anyone else in my family, I had not really been educated, rather, brought up to pass exams.”

– Hilary Mantel, A Memoir of My Former Self

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“Education: conscious or unconscious manipulation by one generation through material, intellectual, and moral pressure to model the following generation according to the rules and principles which, most often, the educators haven’t themselves followed, and of which they have sometimes recognized the inanity, if not even the danger.’

– Georges Simenon, When I Was Old

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When you choose to educate yourself, far from being constrained, life opens up.

At early middle age I cherish the freedom to study whatever I please. And the greatest part of this self manipulation is that there is no exam to pass at the end. It is infinite!

Far from being overwhelming, infinity in learning is exciting. I can never know too much. There is never a future where I can be bored from undersimulation. Every time I open a book I learn something new and often it’s the understanding of, a degree closer to being, my true self.

And no one has the same education as me. My path is unique, tailored to my whims and curiosities.

I played the game of schooling. I managed to finish with a fairly decent score.

But it’s taken me years to realise that I can learn anytime anywhere. I do not have the time to sit and study all day. I was never very good at that even when I was supposed to be.

Learning can take place in snatches. Moments, chewed here and there, add up to a big messy ball of attention.

I am making it up as I go along. And the best bit is I don’t have to justify the utility of my middle aged education.

This is education for myself. The best kind.

“A good comedy can be written on a postcard.”

– Buster Keaton, quoted in The Life of Images by Charles Simic

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“And if you think you have a book evolving, now is the time to write the flap copy. The blurb, in fact. An author should never be too proud to write their own flap copy. Getting the heart and soul of a book into fewer than a hundred words helps you focus. More than half the skill of writing lies in tricking the book out of your own head.”

– Terry Pratchett, A Slip of the Keyboard

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How can I summarise my blog, Conversations With Quotations?

It is a record of my search for the tools and inspiration to help me keep going.

I am always looking for ways to understand what I carry around within me: memories, desires, fears and curiosities.

I seek, mostly through books, better ways to carry myself through the world.

There is no systematic approach to my reading nor any plan of what I will write. It is a meeting of compulsive reading and instinctive writing. There is very little revision. Most of my quotes are fed by books I have actually read. I do not haunt websites or social media accounts which spew out quotes. I like to find my quotations in context.

I like to see the juxtaposition, on the page, of two authors who never met in person. I feel like the host who is eager to catch snippets of conversation.

My thoughts are often not directly about the two quotes, rather they inspire an idea within me and I write it down.

Writing this blog is simple and satisfying. I love the constraints of this self imposed format.

I spent years dreaming of writing and never doing it. The more I write here, the clearer my writing goals are becoming.

The more I write, the less able I am to stop.

“A genius is the one most like himself.”

– Thelonius Monk, quoted in Monk’s Notes by Steven Lacy

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“Georges built the foundation of his brand all by himself. Before anyone started working on his marketing channels, Georges’s brand was good and well because he doesn’t know any other way to act than to be genuine. Not once has he veered from his own legitimacy, from his own truth, from the best way to tell his story. All the marketing angles are based on it, inspired by it, and limited to it. I remember the instructions he gave us when the sponsorships started growing: “Just make sure everything stays 100-percent authentic—it’s the only thing I insist on,” he said. “No bullshit.””

– Rodolphe Beaulieu, quoted in The Way of the Fight by Georges St Pierre

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I envy people who are completely themselves.

Some people seem to be comfortably and assuredly one person. Able to make decisions and stay with them.

They have confidence plus integrity.

The rest of us have to figure out who we are.

I’d love to have more integrity. I struggle to be the same person with everyone, consistent in my actions and confidently present my true self.

What can I build all by myself? Certainly nothing on the level of genius. Perhaps a trickle of thoughts and a grab bag of quotes is as good as it gets for me.

But these quotes and musings are doing something: writing is building my confidence. I’m getting to know myself a little each day.

I’m still searching for the genuine. Perhaps the search is the point.

Can I be a searcher? I certainly feel like I’m on a quest. Will I find the holy grail?

Too late to turn back now…

“But what is the nature of this true self that the daring man seeks? Nietzsche believed that what this man will find deep inside is not very pretty. He wrote that if I am diligent, in my depths I will discover my “madman,” “immoralist,” “buffoon,” and “criminal.” Only then, Nietzsche said, will I finally tune in on something of value.”

– Daniel Klein, Every Time I Find the Meaning of Life, They Change It

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“Deep inside you, there’s an undeniable force driving your actions, the part of you that refuses to be ordinary, the piece that stays raw and untamed. Not just instinct, but killer instinct. The kind you keep in the dark, where you crave things you don’t talk about. And you don’t care how it comes across to others because you know this is who you are, and you wouldn’t change if you could.”

– Tim S. Grover, Relentless

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My writing barely hints at a dark side. Of course it lurks. We all cast a shadow.

I am not powered by darkness. I do not battle with fiends as I write. But I am wary enough to check for leaks.

I have moments I have lived that still possess a bitter punch. I think as I get older and look at the darkness, I can be honest with myself: I can take it. But what good does oversharing do?

My shadow self may one day come to the surface, but only if I allow it. By keeping it in harness, I can use the energy to help move me forward through the world.

We all carry a burden. I’m interested in it’s ergonomics: how best to carry it.

My writing explores ideas that can be pieced roughly together to provide support for the day to day.

I’m not so interested in sharing what they support.

It’s good to have a little mystery, right?

“The world is like a classroom of children with their heads down on their desks being obedient. When you raise your head you discover there is no teacher. All those rules, all those people to please, all that conformity and similarity that society requires of you. You suddenly come to realize that it is yourself requiring this kind of behavior. When you decide to go your own way and create a life that suits who you are, you find that no one notices or cares or if they do you don’t even notice it.”

– David Leddick, I’m Not for Everyone. Neither Are You

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“The world is always looking to reward conformity. Every age has its official line on what is real, what is good, and what is bad. A dish made up of dishonesty, ignorance, and cowardice served every evening with a serious mien and an air of highest integrity by the TV news is the ideal. Literature, too, is expected to go along with that. Your tribe is always trying to reform you and teach you manners. The poet is that kid who, standing in the corner with his back turned to his schoolmates, thinks he is in paradise.”

– Charles Simic, The Life of Images

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Conformity means adapting yourself to someone else’s mould. You twist and stoop and squeeze to fit in. No problem in the sort term. You can make it into a game. But long term all that twisting and folding will leave you crooked.

I am a quiet nonconformist. This is the art of doing as you please but not making a big fuss about it. I do not draw attention to myself: I do not expect the world to fold and adapt to my wishes.

When I was younger, I resisted my nature. I thought I wanted to be the person being written about rather than the writer. That was bullshit. I’m a born observer. I’m always hesitant to engage with the world, except from a distance and with a pen in my hand.

You can be in a meeting, or watching a presentation, and be working on your own project in your head.

A notepad is an essential tool for the passive nonconformist. You appear to be diligently taking notes, but you’re actually writing down your own thoughts, off in another world of the imagination.

The goal is not to stand up and yell, “I am not doing this!!”, but rather to blend in and get on with your own project.

If you don’t draw attention to yourself then you can get away with a lot.

Omission rather than confrontation.

It is wonderful never having to think what someone else wants you to.

No one can read our thoughts. Our minds offer the ultimate privacy away from the demands and busyness of the day. My mind is a personal refuge.

It’s nonconformity, but it’s not belligerent. I am not interested in arguing or making a scene.

I simply want to spend time in the paradise of my own mind.

“Before each one of my fights, I make a point of saluting my opponent. I salute the other fighter out of respect, even though he is trying to take something away from me. Not many people understand why I do this, but it’s simple: without the other guy, there is no me. That’s why I pray for the both of us, and not just myself. By stepping into the octagon, my adversary completes me. He makes my life possible. He becomes a part of my existence. To disrespect him is to disrespect myself. Thanks to him, I become a better man. Thanks to his presence, I am a true martial artist. Thanks to his willingness to face me, my life takes shape and moves forward, my path evolves and my life goal nears.”

– Georges St-Pierre, The Way of the Fight

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“Be honest. Your own life experiences have been far from ideal. But what you have experienced is what is real, not what you would like to experience. In short, the nature of reality is this: Life includes pain and adversity. The future is uncertain. Accomplishment of any kind requires discipline. You are not special. No matter what you do, you cannot avoid these aspects of life. This will never change. There is love, joy, surprise, transcendence, and creativity as well, but these never occur separately from the above five points.”

– Phil Stutz, Lessons for Living

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My problems at the moment are the twin tyrants of Time and Energy. I seem to be in constant battle with these wily adversaries. They give very little quarter, always on the attack. I can only strike back in very short bursts before they overwhelm me.

I am forced to create in snatches of time using reserve energy. It’s not easy publishing a post here every day.

Yet I do it. Haven’t missed a day all year.

Time and Energy have not beaten me, though I realise they also cannot be vanquished.

I have accepted that I will never have ‘enough time’ or ‘enough energy’ to write for long stretches. But do I need that? Haven’t I proven that I can write under these adverse conditions? If I have done so for six months, surely I can continue indefinitely.

I’ve had plenty of wide open days in my life. Hours to myself. Wasted hours on the whole. I’ve never created anything with all the free time I’ve had. It’s only when I realised I had to write that I started. Nothing changed to provide me with extra resources to accomplish this except the inner resource of desire. I found the time, still do. I have energy enough to continue.

Nothing is perfect, except the refusal to wait for perfect conditions.

“Rick Nelson had a song late in his career called “Garden Party.” The lyrics included the following: See, you can’t please everyone So you got to please yourself. I know exactly how he feels. It’s impossible to please everyone, and all you end up doing is spinning your wheels and wearing yourself out. In that case it’s better to stand up for yourself and do what makes you happy, what you really want to do, the way you want to do it. Do that, and even if your reputation isn’t so great, if your books don’t sell well, you can tell yourself, “It’s okay. At least I enjoyed myself.” You’ll be convinced it was all worthwhile.”

Haruki Murakami, Novelist as a Vocation

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“But I wanted to become more than a slightly better version of somebody else. I WANTED TO APPLY MY CREATIVITY TO EVERYTHING I DID I wanted others to see me as I saw myself. Fear of failure? Why would I have any? I didn’t know where my dreams would lead. I had dreams, but I didn’t have all the pictures, because they didn’t exist. So I could push ahead with my eyes wide open, take in whatever happened, and move on. I wasn’t limited by someone else’s view of how my dreams should look, or whether they were reasonable or not.”

– Michael Jordan, Driven From Within

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I am not someone else, I am myself. But sometimes I feel far away from that person.

That distance is caused by trying to adapt myself for others. But I can never become another person, so why do I spend so much time trying to get there?

Better to take a deep breath. In through the nose. Pause. Out slowly through the mouth.

A reminder that all I have is the here and now. I can only breathe for myself. I can only think for myself.

So why persist in attempts to process the thoughts of others?

Why is it so hard to proclaim what makes me happy? To say, even in a tiny whisper, what I want to do?

I want to write. I don’t create these missives for anyone else. There is no gain or striving to be had. I write and publish here purely for my own satisfaction. This is a 100% selfish act.

With each day’s writing I move closer to myself.

“In short, start small. Start with just the smallest version of your idea and a way to make it happen. Instead of waiting (sometimes for years) for bigger wins to happen, you can use small wins to propel you.”

– Paul Jarvis, Company of One

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“I’m a little pea
I love the sky and the trees
I’m a teeny tiny little ant
Checking out this and that
And I am nothing
Ah, so you have nothing to hide
And I’m a pacifist
So I can fuck your shit up

Oh yeah, I’m small
Oh yeah, I’m small.”

– Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pea

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Small starts sooner, is quicker off the line, requires fewer resources.

Small is stealthy, is quiet and unassuming.

Small stays under the radar, infiltrates unseen.

Small is invisible to most everyone.

Small is impulsive and brave.

Small doesn’t wait for consensus, or get distracted lining up ducks.

Small is immediate, now, reflexive.

Small is tough, stubborn and lasting.

Small is saying yes and getting started.

Small is easily handled every day, a load that is not overbearing.

Small is walking not running.

Small is completing not competing, is easily satisfied and comes back for more.

Small is me, here, every day, making it up as I go along.

Small is 184 days and counting of this blog.

Small is 368 quotations, small thoughts from big people.

Small is doing it again tomorrow.

Small has momentum, is just enough to provide satisfaction.

Small, like atoms, which is everything.

I am small, making it happen, by checking out this and that.

“I suspect that at its best your education’s main motive is to fuel your curiosity and teach you how to find out things for yourself. This is adequately simpleminded to cover the situation. Nothing much is remembered without the emotion of curiosity. Even your dogs and cats are full of it. You are unlikely to feel emotion for material unless your teacher has it. The educationists seem to think in terms of methodical steps but a teacher brimming with passion for the subject is what actually works.”

– Jim Harrison, Off to the Side: A Memoir

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“We have to entertain in order to educate, because the other way round doesn’t work.”

– Walt Disney, quoted in The Power of Ignorance by Dave Trott

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What is entertainment but a way to keep us interested enough to see what comes next?

Learning only takes place if we are curious to know the answer to a question. And we are most curious to answer our own questions.

What a wonderful state to experience, this entertaining ourselves by self education.

Autodidact means a self taught person. And anything we truly want to learn or master has to be experienced and deemed worthy of knowing for it to be retained by by our selfs.

Formal education is a type of game. I realised this quite early on. You can move the pieces around, wear the mask and achieve reasonable results, as measured by the powers that be.

What is most important though, is to find out what truly interests me. If we are lucky, a teacher can set us on a course of curioisity based on their own enthusiasm. But most of the time we have to seek it out for ourselves.

It is encouraging to realise that curiosity requires minimal equipment. I don’t need an IMAX screen and Dolby Surround Sound to keep me engaged.

I have the best entertainment system that money cannot buy: a curious mind, attached to eyes and ears that provide me with the full reality experience of self-education ergo self entertainment.

I’ll check the listings to see what’s showing next.

It’s whatever I want it to be.