“Finishing actions clears the mind as much as it clears the plate. An action once finished does not need attention or memory. An unfinished action still needs both to be completed. An accumulation of unfinished actions creates a mental clutter and a brain drain. Whether we possess the kind of mind that deals with that clutter easily or not, the cataloguing and prioritization of those remaining actions demands mental energy that could be spent elsewhere.”

– Dan Charnas, Work Clean

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“You are not making this commitment to prove something to others, to hear their applause or to compete with someone else – the only competition is with yourself and the ultimate commitment is to yourself.”

– John Peck, How to Add Adventure to Your Life

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These quotes and thoughts have been rattling in my mind since August, when this modest enterprise of mine was halted.

I did not stop writing in any grand way. There were no hystronics.

I merely ceased driving myself to the keypad every day.

Without the daily commitment there was nothing.

The interest and compulsion vanished without the demands of the schedule.

I have recommited in order to provide for myself the freedom to create.

An idea recorded here is one less piece of clutter on my mind.

I feel happier already, reconnecting with my creative companion, conducting conversations with quotations.

“The spiritual aspect of valor is evidenced by composure—calm presence of mind. Tranquility is courage in repose. It is a statical manifestation of valor, as daring deeds are a dynamical. A truly brave man is ever serene; he is never taken by surprise; nothing ruffles the equanimity of his spirit. In the heat of battle he remains cool; in the midst of catastrophes he keeps level his mind. Earthquakes do not shake him, he laughs at storms. We admire him as truly great, who, in the menacing presence of danger or death, retains his self-possession;”

– Inazo Nitobe, Bushido

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“There is no deed in this life so impossible that you cannot do it. Your whole life should be lived as an heroic deed. Every time you wake up and ask yourself, “What good things am I going to do today?” remember that, when the sun goes down at sunset, it will take a part of your life with it.”

– Leo Tolstoy, A Calendar of Wisdom

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It’s nice to fantasise about being a strong, calm, self assured presence in the world.

But getting older, it’s easier to separate wishful thinking from reality.

I know enough about myself to make some declarative statements.

I will never be a warrior monk.

I am not heroic.

I struggle to live in a state of self-possession.

I do not live out daily deeds. Most days it’s enough to simply be.

I do wish I could be a little braver. Somewhat less prone to procrastination.

However I am never going to evolve into a gung-ho persona.

Not in this lifetime. I have to work with the systems I was born with.

However I can make some tweaks and adjustments.

I can be an an active reader: curious in my self directed studies.

I can learn from others.

There is a lot to be said for inspiration. Even if it does not lead to participation.

Acceptance of my unheroic self does provide me with a modest level of tranquility.

I am not great.

That’s Ok.

Who truly is?

“What is it that I really like? Following that is a long process of self-excavation from being buried by what you’ve been told you should like.”

– Jon Hassell, quoted in https://thequietus.com/interviews/jon-hassell/

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“At that time I had a tutor named Leonidas. It was this man’s habit, as a means of ‘thickening my bark’, to wake me an hour before dawn and march me down to the river, where I must strip and plunge in, in all weathers. I hated this. The Loudias at Pella is bone-numbing even in summer; in winter its depth of cold is indescribable. I tried every trick to duck these dousings. Eventually it came to me that, rather than endure them beneath compulsion, which rendered them doubly abhorrent, I would elect to do them on my own. I began arising before my tutor, getting the chore over with while he lay yet in bed. Leonidas was much gratified by this evolution of my character, while, for my own part, the ordeal had been rendered tolerable, now that I could tell myself it was my own idea.”

– Steven Pressfield, The Virtues of War

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In my experience of reality there is no watertight, perfect, sealed experience or theory to the meaning of life.

When I hold up my worldviews to the light they are full of holes.

But the holes are beautiful, because it’s in the mystery where I can wonder and use my imagination to fill in the gaps.

My meaning and motivation is bespoke. It is one of the great realisations of my life that I am supposed to seek out meaning for myself.

No one else is responsible for it’s delivery.

I’m yet to find it. I’m still searching for the meaning of life. Still searching for the best way to spend my days.

But I know it is my decision to seek meaning.

I am not dismayed by the indifference of the universe.

I think the search might just be the meaning I am seeking.

What an experience: to seek, discover and refine my holey vision.

I like this very much.

“You waste years by not being able to waste hours.”

– Amos Tversky

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“With businessmen, time is money; with academics, money is time.”

– Lawrence Rosen, quoted in Journeys of the Mind by Peter Brown

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I don’t want to hustle to become a millionaire.

I’m not prepared to work 80 hour weeks creating my own company.

I don’t measure success by wealth.

That’s just as well. I’d have to judge myself a failure.

For me time spent amongst words is the best time in the world.

Reading. Thinking. Writing.

It is a constant struggle to create time to create.

The time available is not plentiful.

It’s not measured in large slabs of time. More like crumbs, that if attentively gathered, make a whole.

When you’re on a holiday
You can’t find the words to say
All the things that come to you
And I wanna feel it too

On an island in the sun
We’ll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can’t control my brain

– Weezer, Island in the Sun

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“A persona takes energy. I just needed a rest. Not to be anything in relation to anyone else.”

– Mike Nichols, quoted in, Mike Nichols: A Life by Mark Harris

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I’m going on holiday.

I don’t know how my brain will react and I’m not sure if I’ll find the words to write here every day.

It’s good to have a rest. I’m not going to pretend to be a writer for a week and see how I feel.

I’ll stare at the sea for a bit. Explore. Experience.

I’ll be back soon…

“Go, go, go, go, go, go
Go shorty, it’s your birthday
We gonna party like it’s your birthday
We gonna sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday
And you know we don’t give a fuck it’s not your birthday.”

– 50 Cent, In Da Club

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“It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you.”

– Lesley Gore, It’s My Party

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The space between hedonism and despair. The pendulum can swiftly swing from one to another on a birthday.

Today happens to be mine.

How I feel today, truly, I’d rather keep to myself.

If any gift can suffice, I give myself the space to play the spectrum of emotions in private.

But whatever the ratios, I’m certain to experience the extremes of emotions. I’m grateful.

Experience means I am alive to celebrate and enjoy another year. The greatest of gifts.

“When I’m upset, I don’t feel like doing anything but wallowing in it. But despite feeling that way, I brush my teeth, make healthy meals, take the kid out to play, do the dishes, pay the bills, take my vitamins, clean up, and go to bed early. These tasks are so mundane, but they help me to feel on top of things. When everyday responsibilities are done, my mind is less distracted.”

Derek Sivers, Hell Yeah or No

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“This physical aliveness and potency is one of the reasons why rituals are performed. Rituals prepare your body for the sacred and they release your energy, feelings and thoughts. They open the body to receive wisdom and clarity and to release and purge negativity.”

– Patsy Rodenburg, Presence: How to Use Positive Energy for Success in Every Situation

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Most of what I write is neither sacred nor profane. It’s simply mundane.

I must write the mundane to find out what is underneath.

I endure a slog through the slops of my mind before I find a fresh spring.

Most of what I write is boring.

In the morning I write three pages of whatever comes to mind à la Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages.

This work never sees the light of day. I’m writing a record of my mind’s struggle to rediscover itself.

After three pages I’m closer to being able to write what I think.

I’ve started to write the mundane out of my system. I’m digging a hole: I’ve gotten through the layers of shit and silt. Now I get to sift for precious metals, find gems worth keeping.

I can see a glint of something worth keeping.

Can you?

“A practice is a discipline. It’s not just the work or the art, it’s the state of mind we occupy when we pursue the work or the art.

That’s what makes the idea of a practice great. That’s what makes it worth doing from now till our final breath.

Can we aspire without ego? Can we work like hell and let the work be its own reward? Can we detach our emotions from the outcome of our enterprise … and still pursue that enterprise with all our heart?

This is not an idle question.”

– Steven Pressfield, Writing Wednesdays 27/03/24

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“Batting practice is a practice. Writing every day is a practice. Learning to see is a practice. You’re never done, and you’re never sure. We have unlimited reasons to hide our work and only one reason to share it: to be of service.”

– Seth Godin, The Practice

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Today, again, I write words on a screen.

I add some more. Soon, when I have enough, I will read them and remove those that are unnecessary, reassembling the remainder to best fit my vision.

It’s quite simple really.

No one has sat me down to give me instruction in the ancient art of blog writing.

I am an autodidact: I learn from reading my own words. I teach myself how to write by… writing.

I learn haphazardly: progress looks like a zigzag. But a zigzag always progresses. Impossible for it not to.

Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes imperfect. But imperfect makes something.

I’m in the habit of making something up.

My life would be emptier without this trail of words left behind.

“Today, just three days before I turn 41, I received a $75 check from the Fresno Bee for an article I wrote about meeting my favorite writer, William Saroyan, who died three months ago. Saroyan was also my mentor. He taught me to trust myself as a writer. Here’s what he wrote in a short story called “The Genius”: “Don’t worry about style.  Just put it down on paper the way it comes to you and you’ll find it’ll be full of style. Don’t even worry about grammar. That’ll be part of your style, part of your originality.””
– Joseph Sutton, Father and Son

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“Where you end up is important; when you end up there, not so much. Here’s a list of folks who made it, but made it late: Toni Morrison was 39 when her first book, The Bluest Eyes, was published. She went on to win a Nobel Prize in literature when she was 62. Stan Lee was 39 and had no real career prospects when he wrote Fantastic Four after his wife suggested he experiment with stories he actually liked. Vera Wang was 38 when she left her cushy job as a Vogue editor to work for Ralph Lauren. At the age of 40 she set out to be an independent clothing designer. Martha Stewart was 41 when her first lifestyle-plus-cooking book was published. Steve Carell was 42 when he joined The Office. Samuel L. Jackson was 40 before he got real attention as an actor. He was 43 when he starred in Pulp Fiction. Rodney Dangerfield got his break on the Ed Sullivan Show at the tender age of 46. Jane Lynch was 40 when she acted in Christopher Guest’s mockumentaries. And she was 49 before she landed her Emmy-Award-winning role in Glee. Morgan Freeman was acting the whole time but it wasn’t until he was 50 that he found overnight success. Ray Kroc was a milkshake salesman and was 52 when he bought McDonald’s and franchised it. Christoph Waltz was 53 when international success was thrust upon him after years of solid performances on stage and television in Germany. Miguel de Cervantes was 56 when he published the first part of Don Quixote. He had a whole lot of living to do before he settled down to write full time. Harland Sanders, AKA Colonel Sanders, was 62 when he franchised Kentucky Fried Chicken after twenty years of running a restaurant and hotel.  I love that list – that list takes a lot of pressure off. It’s never too late.”

– Jimmy Carr, Before & Laughter

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It’s three days before I turn 41. Still no cheque in the post.

But I have started, begun the great work of my life. I’m not sure what it is yet, though since I started I haven’t stopped. I think not stopping is fundamental in figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing.

Writing is a conversation with myself. It’s important to keep open those channels.

It’s heartening to reflect on the success of those who started later in life. It’s too late for me to get excited for those precocious folk who hit their stride early in adulthood. I have passed that waypoint.

It’s never too late. I remind myself now. It’s never too late.

Keep writing.

You’ll figure it out.

If not, this is never wasted time.

“On walking: again and again (and again), the significance of the world is derived from tiny details never otherwise noted; this is the stuff from which the world may replenish itself. At the end of a day of walking, the wealth of a single day is past counting. When you walk, there is nothing between the lines; everything is in the most immediate and rabid presence: the fences, the meadows, the birds not yet fledged, the smell of newly chopped wood, the puzzlement of the deer.”

– Werner Herzog, Every Man for Himself and God Against All

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“Walking tends to unravel the knots in my thinking, and I’ll always recommend a leisurely stroll or even a brisk one around the block to alleviate almost any kind of mental stress.”

– Jeff Tweedy, How to Write One Song

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I can’t think of anything that requires so little investment for so much return than walking.

Like putting in a penny and gaining a pound in return.

All you need are the clothes you are wearing and the nearest available shoes.

No expensive equipment. No special training plans. Absolutely no preparation required.

Sometimes I start a walk all knotted up. And over the course of the walk, the gentle movement, the rhythm, twists and turns unwind the knot and I arrive home straightened out.

Simple. Miraculous. And infinitely repeatable.