“It brutalizes these beautiful stomach linings as a wagon master abuses ponies; the plexus becomes inflamed; sparks shoot all the way up to the brain. From that moment on, everything becomes agitated. Ideas quick-march into motion like battalions of a grand army to its legendary fighting ground, and the battle rages. Memories charge in, bright flags on high; the cavalry of metaphor deploys with a magnificent gallop; the artillery of logic rushes up with clattering wagons and cartridges; on imagination’s orders, sharpshooters sight and fire; forms and shapes and characters rear up; the paper is spread with ink—for the nightly labour begins and ends with torrents of this black water, as a battle opens and concludes with black powder.”

– Honoré de Balzac, quoted in Page Fright: Foibles and Fetishes of Famous Writers by Harry Bruce

__________

“I think it depends on who is smoking it. It’s not for everyone. It’s medicine and if it’s not your medicine you shouldn’t make it so.”

– Willie Nelson, quoted in Interview: Willie Nelson by Nigel Farndale, Daily Telegraph

__________

I’m giving up coffee.

It doesn’t agree with me.

I am already down to a single morning cup.

But even that seems too much for me.

Coffee is lionized and mythologized in writing lore.

Balzac certainly seems enthralled by its creative effects, but it is often accompanied by the violence of over stimulation.

It’s a case of the romance of the idea clashing with the reality of my body.

Give me some herbal tea while I figure out my own regimen.

I wonder if one day I will read a description of coffee which will leave me as cold and lacking in craving as Willie describing his smoking.

But is coffee that bad?

I have just washed up my cup, which triggered the anticipation of tomorrow’s coffee.

I’m tempted.

Maybe I am not that resolute.

Do I need to be?

I reserve the right to hold no absolute views.

Perhaps I do need a little adventure in my life.

After all, medicine is all in the dosage.

“In meditation, the only equipment you really need is the will, and you can’t buy that through the mail.”

– Eknath Easwaran, How to Meditate

__________

“Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes, to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe.”

– The Hollies, The Air That I Breathe (written by Mike Hazlewood / Albert Louis Hammond)

__________

All I need is the pen in my hand.

The will to write.

This comes from deep within.

No further equipment nor encouragement is needed.

Don’t need a fridge magnet or bumper sticker to encourage me.

No need to align myself with the universe.

No muse to be summoned.

But I do need to read books.

Learning how it has been done before.

Then have a go myself.

No better way to improve than through practice.

This is not a brag. My practice ain’t perfect.

More a friendly reminder to make do with what I’ve got.

All I need is the pen in my hand.

Because I love this.

“If you can privilege your own mind, your guiding spirit and your reverence for its powers, that should keep you clear of dramatics, of wailing and gnashing of teeth. You won’t need solitude—or a cast of thousands, either.”

– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

__________

“Solitude is nearly a misnomer. To me, being alone means togetherness—the re-coming-together of me and nature, of me and being; the reuniting of me with all. For me, solitude especially means putting the parts of me back together—the unifying of myself whereby I see once again that the little things are little and the big things are big. I believe that solitude is a profound and needed act of self-love and self-appreciation.”

– Hugh Prather, Notes to Myself

__________

My habits of mind are centered on the personal: the survival and endurance of the self.

Whatever adversity I have faced in life, I’ve naturally cultivated a solution in solitude.

I’ve never felt much part of a community, nor sought recognition or solace within a group.

I think this derives from an embedded survival instinct of withdrawal.

This can also lead me to neglect responsibilities.

But through this practice of retreat, I endure.

It has served me quite well.

I’m here. Reasonably fit and healthy. Still thinking, writing, breathing, and curious.

I avoid burdening others with my troubles.

So I burden the page instead.

“We have less reason to be surprised or offended when we find others differ from us in opinions because we very often differ from ourselves.”

– Samuel Johnson, quoted in The Road to Character by David Brooks

__________

“It’s the process of making the art, the process of living itself, from which meaning, truth, and beauty are derived, not the product of that process. The product—whether it was a sandcastle, a painting, or an album—only offers an illusion of permanence. These too will eventually decompose and disappear, albeit on a different timeline. The art is always in the doing, not the memorializing.”

– Serj Tankian, Down with the System

__________

I’ll never get a tattoo.

I could not reconcile such public permanence with my feeling of constant change.

The things that are most meaningful, I like to keep close. I don’t wish for their uninhibited broadcast as I walk down the street or stretch out on the beach.

I am quite happy to be anonymous. I do not wish for my skin to pique someone’s attention.

I like to be in control of the disclosure of my innermost self.

I am not the canvas: I like projecting myself onto paper and screens. Then I have the freedom to delete or discard.

I prefer to make little piles of thoughts here, off to the side.

Very few people are interested in my opinion nor share my taste.

If you are, you know where to find me…

“Our stereotypical formula, “practice makes perfect” carries with it some subtle and serious problems. We think of practice as an activity done in a special context to prepare for performance or “the real thing.” But if we split practice from the real thing, neither one of them will be very real.”

– Stephen Nachmanovitch, Free Play

__________

“Ninety-nine per cent of the difference between successful innovative people and those who fail is commitment to self-improvement. The extraordinary amount of time and effort the successful put into developing their work amplifies their abilities. If someone is more successful than you, the chances are they work harder at self-development. Practice is important but it has to be good practice. Bad practice is thoughtlessly repeating something to perfect it. Good practice is putting time into imaginative improvement.”

– Rod Judkins, The Art of Creative Thinking

__________

I can only guarantee that my writing is evidence of practice, not progress.

I don’t write every day with pressure of improvement in mind.

I do not click a stopwatch or stretch out a measuring tape.

My sessions don’t conclude with a pep talk about performance.

The writing happens, or it doesn’t.

What I take responsibility for and measure is the commitment to the practice.

Something may come out of a writing session, or not, but the practice remains, continues, is.

Because I am practicing there is every chance I write something of interest.

By asking my imagination to connect with my pen, I reinforce those bonds, perhaps a nudge closer to being in sync.

Or not.

I turn up anyway. Try my best. Then go home.

“You have to use your imagination to invent something better than life because life itself is dull and prosaic.”

– Erskine Caldwell, quoted in Page Fright: Foibles and Fetishes of Famous Writers by Harry Bruce

__________

“Fantasy has been the stuff of my life. I want to be moved and grooved and taken where I’ve never been before.”

Harry Crews, Florida Frenzy

__________

I lack the spark of inspiration today.

Not going to force things.

Happily there is a bounty of great stuff from others to hide behind.

Today is not a day for effort.

If I try to push things and make attempts at appearing wise, I’ll be a fool.

Better to keep moving along.

There’s always tomorrow.

“A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.”

– Gandalf, The Fellowship of the Ring (Screenplay by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson, based on the book by J.R.R. Tolkien)

__________

“In any truly significant conversation with a person or reading of a book, the intensity of the first dawning of ideas scours the memory like the ground zero of an explosion.”

– Peter Brown, Journeys of the Mind

__________

Today doesn’t feel particularly auspicious.

There’s no breakthrough or revelation leaping from the page.

I’m still doing all the mental and physical things needed to write something significant.

Significance can come about through the same action as mediocrity.

I cannot control or command significance to emerge; I must worship at the page, get down on my knees and write.

If significance chooses to visit, I’m ready to record every word like a dedicated disciple at his master’s feet.

I wait for tidbits.

Like Plato recording Socrates, I capture what the great teacher tells me.

I don’t know when he will arrive; he keeps to his own schedule: just like Gandalf, significance is never late or early.

When the idea emerges, I leap to action, pen in hand, ready to record, my mind ever so slightly altered.

Silently, patiently, loyally, I wait for the sign.

“”I’m scared!”

“Scared of what?” he asked, almost sounding human and caring.

“I’m scared that this is my one and only dream and that if I start and I fail I will have nothing left. Nothing left. Nothing left.””

– Bradley Charboneau, Every Single Day

__________

“Oh, I’m done hidin’, now I’m shining
Like I’m born to be
Oh, our time, no fears, no lies
That’s who we’re born to be”

– Huntr/x, Golden

__________

I’ve always felt like a person with no purpose.

I find it hard to plan and to focus.

Every day feels like a new start, little carried over from previous days.

Unlike Sisyphus there is no mountain for the boulder to roll down.

It remains inert on a dusty plain – a road to nowhere.

No momentum.

No plan.

No direction.

No ambition.

But plenty of fear.

Perhaps I’m meant to hang in there, keep rolling, the horizon revealing where I’ve always wanted to be.

Maybe I need to put the work in to reveal the destination

Might as well keep going then.

What else should I do, abandon hope?

Then I’ll never discover anything.

At least I am not alone on my journey.

I have these writers unknowingly cheering me from the sidelines with their words of wisdom.

I’m feeling emboldened – amazing what a little writing can do.

“Every time you confront something painful, you are at a potentially important juncture in your life—you have the opportunity to choose healthy and painful truth or unhealthy but comfortable delusion.”

– Ray Dalio, Principles: Life and Work

__________

“It was the monotony and sterility of the other outlets which drove me to desperation. I demanded a realm in which I should be both master and slave at the same time: the world of art is the only such realm. I entered it without any apparent talent, a thorough novice, incapable, awkward, tongue-tied, almost paralyzed by fear and apprehensiveness. I had to lay one brick on another, set millions of words to paper before writing one real, authentic word dragged up from my own guts… I had to throw myself into the current, knowing that I would probably sink.”

– Henry Miller, The Wisdom of the Heart

__________

I get up and write.

I join that community of strangers heeding the call.

We who have been hypnotized by the same unnameful force that caused us to turn away from the world and cast our gaze downward onto the page, inward upon ourselves.

I imagine that I pull out my guts onto the page, in a practice of visceral honesty. In fact, they are merely the brightly coloured handkerchiefs of the amateur magician.

It’s a trick, an illusion, mere self-entertainment, soon to be forgotten when the next demand of real life comes by.

The page is my mirror in front of which I practice and perfect my simple tricks.

I’m not going to fool anyone except, perhaps, myself.

I keep at it though.

What’s next? There’s only so much an amateur can do on his own.

What is a magic trick without an audience? Only they can tell if it has been successful or not.

Are these words, intended to create a happy illusion for others, simply an exercise in self delusion?

What compels me?

Can I be truly honest with myself and say that I stare not into the mirror, but through it at an imaginary audience?

Do I dream of that stage whilst scribbling in the dark?

Am I laying a true foundation for something real?

Do I even know what success or failure looks like?

Isn’t the act of creation enough without embellishing it with expectations and definitions?

Only time will tell.

“Like a very talented pianist once told me when I was a boy, it’s better to practice a musical instrument for five minutes a day than to practice for two hours once a week. It’s something I never forgot.”

– Hugh MacLeod, Evil Plans

__________

“But you must do. Modifying your own behavior is the most effective and rewarding way to minimize the gap. Simply thinking will not move the needle. In fact, the more you think without doing, the longer the list of things that “need” to be done becomes and the wider the gap gets. The wider the gap, the more stress, anxiety and risk of paralysis. The only way to close the gap is to act!”

– Nic Peterson, Bumpers

__________

I enjoy my daily writing practice.

A little writing time. A modest daily commitment to hit publish.

Doing something small now is so much better than the big pressure of a mega session later.

I cannot imagine sitting down on a weekend and saying, “right, got to write seven blog posts today.”

No way. I would be too overwhelmed.

But I chip away daily.

I’m not looking for perfection, but for the happy medium between reflection and completion.

Hitting publish wraps up my current thought.

I feel better.

I give myself a hit of what I crave- a dose of daily medication administered from within.

My inexhaustible supply of good feeling.